My date with Eric was this week. It was a bit mixed to be honest, and I’m unsure how to take it. We met at the coffee shop at the shopping centre mid week, a bit after lunch hour to avoid anyone we know. We chatted for a bit, but them the conversation turned a bit serious.

 

Eric knew I was married. He had just ended his own relationship recently, so he was unattached. While he felt safe in himself that he wasn’t cheating on anyone he had feelings for, he did have a bit of an issue with the fact that I am married. I explained the situation to him – getting married to an internet boyfriend too soon and too young, but that didn’t seem to comfort him at all. He valued the vows of marriage, and posed to me a very obvious question – if I was cheating on my husband, what prevented me from cheating on him? Does the old adage “once a cheater always a cheater” hold true?

 

I understood where he was coming from. Even though he was younger than I was, he was wise beyond his years. While I was secretly aching inside to scream out that a relationship with him would be completely different than my relationship with my husband, the words coming out of my mouth didn’t seem to accurately describe my emotions. It’s so hard to explain.

 

After quite a serious discussion, we moved on and tried to enjoy our time together. We chatted about my life back in the States, what I was like when I was younger, all the sorts of chit chats that a couple has while they are dating. We walked hand in hand, and made the most of our time together before he had to go back to work. We kissed briefly, but I was so mixed. This didn’t go how I wanted it to go at all!

 

 In the back of my head, kept replaying our coffee-shop conversation. My mind didn’t stop going in circles the entire hour drive back to my house. Has this relationship ended before I was able to even get it off the ground? How do I get around the whole “cheating wife” brand and get Eric to trust me? I’m so very lost in this marital affair.

Being at home with my husband all day is quite a damper on my philandering plans! Eric and I had been slyly communicating since I had left work a couple of weeks ago, mostly through texts and emails. I’m not much of a phone person to start with, so I didn’t spend any time actually speaking with Eric for quite a while, but I thought that the number of texts I was receiving and sending in a given day might have started to look a bit suspicious.

 

We have several computers in my house, since my husband works from home. He generally keeps to the one that’s in his office. I think that all the computers are somehow linked together, though, so when I did spend time on one of the other computers in the house, to send emails and whatnot, I kept my messages pretty cryptic.

 

This got old in a day or so, and with a bit of my redundancy pay out, I decided to treat myself to a smart phone. That way, not only would I be able to send more open emails to my new crush, I would be able to look at the Loving Links web forum without having to worry about my web-browsing history being read through.

 

Eric and I have been keeping in touch quite a bit, slowing getting to know each other through emails (well, as much as one can get to know a set of printed words as opposed to seeing body language and hearing inflection in a voice). We have scheduled a date for next week – meeting up at a shopping centre in Manchester for a bite to eat and a cup of coffee. I’m a bit anxious about it, since I know that it’s far enough away from my town that the chances of running into someone I know are pretty slim, but there’s always that chance. With my luck (and a bit of karma, I suppose), I’ll see my mother-in-law!

 

I’ve decided to follow this path with Eric, taking it slowly, carefully. Not rushing into anything, not getting into a shag-and-run relationship, but something with a bit of foundation and a possible sustainable future. My marital affair is progressing, albeit a bit slower and more carefully than originally planned. 

I was now officially unemployed. My last day of work rolled by with minimal pomp and circumstance, and I was invited out by a few friends to have some celebratory drinks following the end of my shift. My team mates were invited along as well, so both Eric and Matthew were invited. I had been anxious most of the day, with the possibility of both of my potential lovers being at the same place, at the same time, in a way celebrating me.

 

It was a balancing act the entire night. By now mostly everyone at work suspected something was up between Matthew and I, and in his drunken state he didn’t do much to hide his affections. He kept my drinks full all night, and as the liquor took its effect on his brain, his dick started to take over his thinking processes. This included rubbing his hips against my ass at the pub’s bar, leaning over to whisper his dirty intentions into my ear when we were sat on our own, and winking at his friends when they had brought up the fact that he seemed a bit into me.

 

Something hit me that night that I wasn’t prepared for. This attention – this outward desire to bone me, this obvious flirtation, this drunken sexual desire – repulsed me. I no longer was attracted to this man and his advances. There was no longer any chase, no risk of rejection, no “what if”s. Where weeks ago I was dripping at the thought of a closeted rendezvous with my supervisor, I now thought it childish and crass.

 

I looked to Eric, young and quite Eric, sat across the room chatting with some other members of our team. There was still a challenge of some sorts. I knew he had feelings for me, but they seemed more genuine than just a fuck-and-run type of relationship. But what that what I was looking for? My initial desire for this whole marital affair was to release my boredom, not find a boyfriend. Or was it? Am I looking for a boyfriend? A longer term relationship? Or just sexy plaything to release my desires with every so often.

Was I looking for a Matthew – a dirty, no strings, all the fun shag, or an Eric – an affectionate, loving, ongoing relationship?