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I was reading a very interesting article in the Daily Mail today regarding a book by Catherine Hakim on ‘Erotic Capital’. In it she argues that men and women have vastly different libidos and needs when it comes to sex and that women aren’t all up for a ‘quick shag’ from their 20′s to their 70′s. Now this comes as a no-brainer to most thinking adults but apparently the eager consumption of porn has glossed all this over and we actually start to believe that most women would prefer a ‘pearl necklace’ made of freshly spurted semen than one from Aspreys. This is a myth that also serves the seamier side of the interenet adult dating scene where many sites are happy and profitably promoting the idea that women are as constantly ‘up for it’ as men and they have the zillions of fake profiles to prove it! I went thru an email exchange with a guy earlier this month who couldn’t understand why we didn’t have enough new women for him that week. I pointed out that at the height of the summer school holidays a married mother of two might have other priorities than giving a blow job to a random stranger she met online. Of course there are women out there with unquenchable libidos, I have met quite a few over the last 15 years but as Ms Hakim points out in her book, most women give higher priorities to pets than rampant cocks. So where does that leave us? Well, in the book Ms Hakim says there are many celibate relationships so there are many frustrated partners but there will always be a demographic imbalance between the sexes. We leave the porn/adult industry to perpetuate the myth of endlessly horny women and we will carry on with our genuine community of men and women looking for fulfilment – both emotional and sexual.

Very interesting piece in the Mail today. they have spotted a new social/relationship trend – ‘friendship with frisson’ which seem like friendship with only half the benefits of ‘friendship with benefits’. In fact the more I think about it the dafter it seems. This FWF phenomena which the Mail has uncovered seems to be a ‘prick-teasers paradise’ – flirt remorselessly but keep the bedroom door closed. So, you still risk getting caught for having a ‘sackable’ relationship and you don’t even get sex. I’d rather be hung for a sheep as for a lamb. Surely at a moment one or other of the parties involved is going to say ‘well, are you up for it or not?’

Is any partner going to waste time making interesting distinctions between a FWF and a FWB affair? The inquisistion will still be the same, there will just be jaw-dropping disbelief that things never progressed to the bedroom.

I have been reading a couple of recent studies that I think have more than a hint of truth to them.  In essence the researchers are suggesting that men cheat because they suffer from performance anxiety and men derive a large part of their confidence and sense of self from how they feel in the bedroom, which is no surprise because they have been socialized to believe that “real” men always are in the mood, virile and never have sexual issues. Obviously this is a fallacy. The irony is that performance anxiety, like a panic attack, feeds on itself. If he experiences erectile dysfunction or delayed orgasm one or two times at random, it can be difficult to avoid performance anxiety the next time. And the performance anxiety causes distraction and blood vessel constriction that only exacerbates the sexual symptoms. It is a vicious cycle that can seem endless and impossible to stop.

I know that this syndrome is in part correct because it has cropped up in discussions I have had with clients over the years and from feedback women have given me that all seems to confirm this.  Naturally there are many other factors that bring men to married dating websites – some are just ‘plain randy’ and some are stuck in crap marriages and relationships but this theme of performance anxiety (male clients often shyly ask my advice on Viagra) is an interesting topic to think about.

The research shows that women tend to cheat because they are not satisfied/happy in there relationships which is much more obvious a reason.  Women. of course, have less to prove in sexual prowess than men so the performance anxiety aspect wouldnt’t really crop up.  I find these results interesting as i find all aspects of the extramarital lifestyle.

On a lighter note, I have been spending my summer in a very isolated corner of Europe where, spoilt by the warm weather, I have enjoyed a nudist lifestyle so i have been browsing on nudist dating sites and generally exploring the topic – fascinating!  I think it will feel strange being back at Oxford Circus in my working clothes ;_)

I have spent much of this glorious summer away from base and good internet connections have been spasmodic.  Also, with the exception of the Murdoch scandal there has been little to titilate me of late.  Maybe my mobile was hacked, but I have pretty tight security and never leave voicemails for 5 mins so there would be nothing to harvest – pity that, could have joined the queue for sueing Murdoch.  What sprung me back to life today was a piece I read over the weekend in the Mail written by Ingrid Seward the stalwart of royal reporting.   In it she wrote a heartfelt confessional to realising that her dear departed husband had been a star philanderer.  Post mortem she rifled through his mobile, and he did have voicemails! – and then managed to get into his computer where she found other disturbing signs of infidelity.  There were restaurant bills that didnt match his diary and a myriad of minutiae that led Ms Seward to conclude that her husband had had a string of affairs.  He had, she admitted a track record and she realised with some regret that leopards don’t change spots.   From the tone of her excellent article one would imagine that Ms Seward had never had much to do with wayward males but I seem to recall that she later became close to Dai (seducer of the valleys) Llewellyn and he was the guy who wrote the seduction bible!  I was once on a TV show with Dai and he waxed lyrical on the joys of infidelity during our green room chat.

So what would your voicemail/laptop etc say about you should you meet your maker unexpectedly?  Would unknown and hitherto unsuspected mistresses turn up at your wake?  Can we take preventative measures?  I recall in the early internet days there was a spoof web service that offered to come and clear out all the incriminating material before the family got access to your files.  Lovely idea but not very practical.  I know men and women who throw caution to the wind and save lover’s texts as trophies on their mobiles – romantic but dodgy to the extreme. I believe in taking caution – so delete anything that might give the game away however gratifying to read and reread emails that attest to your swordsmanlike skills or whore-like skills.  Believe me, they will bring even greater joy to a divorce lawyer.

One of the biggest problems facing married daters is the risk in giving out your mobile number to a stranger.   Will he/she stalk you?  Will they be able to trace you?  All these worries can now be set aside by using a great new service we have uncovered.  www.2ndnumber.com does just what it says on the box it gives you an instant secret number for texting.  It only takes a moment to set up and you can use this service as a casual user or on a regular subscription basis.  Frankly I wouldnt go on a dating site myself without it. 

Check it out!

This story is getting better and better, layer follows sordid layer.  The News of the World thumps another nail in Gigg’s family man image with ‘Ryan got me pregnant’ by his aggrieved sister-in-law Natasha Giggs.  Makes me think of the old joke that Incest is a game for all the family.  Super love-rat Giggs exclusively confesses  to having an abortion before she married Rhodri.   Young Natasha confessed to her beloved Rhodri in a 3 page letter written at her mum’s place.  According to the News of the World Natasha worries it all might result in a divorce.  Natasha and Ryan had a wonderful trail of intimate text messages.  Isn’t it strange how people keep these messages even though they are potentially risky.  They are also, of course, potentially valuable tabloid assets.

There will be some spectacular fallout from this.   Ryan v Rhodri,  Natasha v Stacey – what a wonderful menage a quatre!

When it comes to humiliating celebrities and politicos, it seems that our tabloids have a lot to learn.  The best way to be publically called into account for your extramarital affairs is to be on the hit list of Andrea Peyser the New York Post journalist.  She has a penchant for turning up at your most important public engagement and haggling you with lurid details of your dalliances.  She famously attacked former New York governor Eliot Spitzer by demanding him whether his wife Silda was going to leave him after he held a press confereence admitting to his liaisons with prostitutes. The last thing he heard was Peyser calling after the couple, “Silda! Are you leaving him?”

“Your wife is not here!” Peyser, a columnist for the New York Post, shouted up to Rep. Anthony Weiner  at the midtown Sheraton. She stood in front of the front row of seated reporters, her shadow and trademark bob projected onto the wooden lectern from which Weiner spoke.

“Are you going to split up?”

Weiner replied that he and his wife intended to “weather” the storm. Peyser was not satisfied. “Where is she? Where is she? Sir, where is she?”

“She is not here,” Weiner said.

“Where is she?” pushed Peyser, who later asked, “You said you were on the phone. Did you have phone sex with these women? Did you ever have some kind of an affair with some of these women?”

Our latest information is that Peyser is not planning to carry on her crusade this side of the pond so, for the time being, we will have to rely on the News of the World and the Daily Mail to inflict humiliation on the great and the good.

As Woody Allen said ‘being bisexual doubles your chances for saturday night’ and he was absolutely correct.  More and more people are experimenting and being bi-curious is becoming a more common path for many , especially women.  This is why we have also launched a bisexual dating site called www.bisexualdesires.com to give a nice quality resource to that market.  I remember that after a recent LL burlesque evening several of our ladies got very ‘fruity’ and this gave me the idea for expanding into that marketplace.  So why not check out that site and also have a look at the facebook page we have put up for our other niche dating site  http://www.facebook.com/abundantlovebbwdates  which is for bbw dating – there are some very horny larger women out there who can show you some very special things.

What a week!!  Return of the ‘sperminator’  ‘Fred the bed’ ‘Chaud lapin’  where will it end???  Its as if every public figure was rapidly turning into a ‘pubic’ figure as we see the great and the good parading thru the media like satyrs on viagra.   Arnie at least gets brownie points for actually financially supporting his housemaid (I keep thinking biblical handmaiden) although I don’t congratulate him on his taste.  She at least got her eggs genetically upgraded from the encounter.

Fred the shredded bed got my attention.  He always looked the sort.  His demeanour is one I often see when i meet private clients who head up large corporations.  there is a naughty invincibilty about them, a smile that gets their secretary’s juices flowing – a charisma of easy (and maybe unearned) power.  Fred had it all in spades.  I would have mentioned my thoughts at the time of the RBS collapse but I am wary of litigious personalities.  Now it is all over the media I am free to report the gossip.   Hopefully his paramour is more bedworthy to look at than Chris Huhne’s bit on the side.  Judging from the pic of her in the Daily Mail Carina (for that is apparently her name) doesnt look much of a ‘head turner’ but then the Mail is not going to sprinkle ‘magic lens dust’ on a woman who has strayed to the darkside.  Heavens!  Looking as she does on page 5 I would be hard pressed to take her into our private service. 

The other evening I was broadcasting on BBC World Service (World have your say) talking about the Arnie case.  Was Shriver right to leave as if Ms Shriver’s Millionaire decisions can really impact a housewife in Nairobi.  It was a fascinating programme – it always is, the WHYS team are brilliant.  Do download the podcast and enjoy.

Tonight is the Erotic Awards evening where I am up as a finalist in the Pioneer of the year category.  My fingers are crossed.

Dominique Strauss-Kahn (aka DSK) the head of the IMF joins our randy hall of fame. His reputation as a womaniser became tarnished however when he apparently forced his attentions on a chambermaid at a New York hotel.  Even more damning was the comment that ‘He’s rude and doesn’t tip well’.  On the other hand he has good literary credentials having had a book by Yasmina Reza apparently dedicated to him as ‘a lover’.

Chris Hune however, joins our adulterers hall of shame for his ungentelmanly conduct in regard to an alleged driving offence where it seems, according to the press, he asked his estranged wife to carry the can for his speeeding.  This was at a time when he was shagging the bi-sexual Ms Trimingham.  He also gets bad marks for portraying himself as ‘a fine family man’ on his election literature last year – I dislike hypocrisy ;_(

Looking forward to this friday evening when I am up for an ‘erotic award’ at the Night of the Senses event in London as ‘Pioneer of the Year’ .  I’ll let you know how it goes.