Guy’s secrets..
By Jane Hoskyn

When we rounded up a group of men and asked them to spill their innermost thoughts on their exes, their girlfriends’ bodies and what they do with your shoes when you’re out, they laughed and said “not a chance”. So we twisted their arms behind their backs until they could take the pain no more, and eventually they spat out the truth. Here’s what they told us…

1. “I can take a laptop apart and put it back together again, but I have no idea how to put on a condom properly. I’m 35 and can’t remember how many flings I’ve had.”

2. “Every woman I see, I picture naked. Doesn’t matter if she’s my girlfriend or the nan in the supermarket queue. I can’t help but imagine what she looks like with nothing on. Bet most men do exactly the same.”

3. “I know where my girlfriend keeps her diary and I read it regularly.”

4. “The girl I’m seeing goes to loads of trouble with candles, music, wine etc whenever I go round to her house for dinner. It’s quite sweet but it’s totally pointless. Men couldn’t give a toss about romance, we just want you to get a beer from the fridge and get your clothes off. But I’ll let her continue with the seduction stuff, ‘cause she’d be gutted if she knew what I’d just said.”

5. “I never, ever have any idea ‘where the relationship is going,’ and I care even less.”

6. “There is nothing more gross than untrimmed private bits on a girl. I can really fancy her, then find a big unruly bush, and I’ll never want to sleep with her again. Sorry.”

7. “I’m sleeping with her best friend, but I’d rather be sleeping with her sister.”

8. “My girlfriend takes the same size shoes as me, so sometimes when she’s out I put on her high heels and walk around the house in them. It’s really hard at first but you get used to it, and it gives your calf muscles a good workout.”

9. “I wish I could say that women look better with no make-up on. But generally they look really rough.”

10. “I quite often fake orgasms when I’m getting bored and want to go to sleep, or when I just can’t make it happen. I just grab a bit of tissue and pretend.”

11. “If any girl says ‘I love you’ before I’ve said it to her, I have to dump her. Partly because I find it a turn off, and partly because it’s my tradition.”

12. “I never remember anything a woman says to be during a date, because I spend the whole time thinking about what her face looks like during sex.”

13. “If a woman is good in bed, it has absolutely nothing to do with her technique and absolutely everything to do with her enthusiasm. But I’m happy to let the girls carry on thinking that technique matters, because it’s a nice bonus.”

14. “We get far more jealous than girls do.”

15. “I’ve been waiting for a girl to phone me all week and I’ve cried about it twice. No way am I ringing her first.”

16. “I pretend to forget about our anniversary because I get scared that my girlfriend will forget, and I don’t want to be the only one who remembers, because it’s not manly.”

17. “I wax my chest with my sister’s leg-wax strips.”

18. “My girlfriend thinks I go running but actually I go and sit in the park for a smoke, then walk the 200 yards home again.”

19. “Chatting girls up is hideously difficult, and I’m terrified of rejection. So if I’m at a party I always try to spot the weak one and separate her from the pack so I’ve got more chance of success.”

20. “If a woman chats me up I automatically think she’s a bit desperate.”

21. “I love chick flicks and have watched Titanic about 10 times.”

22. “I’m completely straight but I’ve got a slight thing for Matt Damon and was made up when my girlfriend wanted to watch all three Bourne films one evening. Had the best sex ever after that.”

23. “I fancy the news reader Moira Stewart.”

24. “When I suggest splitting the bill on a first date, it’s because I don’t want to have sex with her.”

25. “Men moan about women talking too much, but we all secretly like chatty women because it means less work for us. I had a date recently with a girl who was nice-looking but very quiet, and the evening seemed to last a week. There was so much dead air. Babbly women are the lesser of two evils.”

26. “My girlfriend has lost a bit of weight recently and I know that she’s really happy about it, and her clothes fit better and all that, but to be honest I wish she’d chub up again because she was more cushiony, which made her nicer to have sex with. She was also a bit warmer in bed. Literally warmer, temperature-wise. Now that she’s slim she’s got freezing feet.”

27. “I find women far more attractive in underwear than naked.”

28. “When I’m having sex with my girlfriend I imagine that she’s my ex.”

29. “Whenever I look through my girlfriend’s Facebook photos, I’m basically eyeing up her good-looking friends.”

30. “I wear concealer to bed.”

31.”I make fun of my girlfriend for buying celeb magazines but I read them from cover to cover on the loo. If she didn’t buy them I’d have to find a way to smuggle them into the house.”

32. “I spent the night at a girl’s place and used her pink razor on my hair ‘down there’, because I got a kick out of the idea of that we’d shaved our bits with the same razor. I hope it didn’t blunt the blade.” __________________

Good news we won’t stone you

Bad news we will probably hang you

We might even throw in another 100 lashes for good measure

This is a stain on humanity.

David

1)    You can’t beat a scone with strawberry jam and lashes of cream. . . better than sex!

2)    I once contacted a ‘Lady’ from Liverpool on another site. She said ‘I don’t usually go for military men… what’s your cock like?’

3)    The best strategy is to establish, right from the start, of a relationship, a pet name such as ‘OH YESS!’ or ‘YEAAAAAHHHH!’.  Then if you shout it out unintentionally, you’re in the clear.

4)    And then he spat in my fanny.  Like he was polishing his shoes. 

5)     I’ve heard that 20 minutes is largely optimistic in your case.  So, if I arrive with 5 minutes to spare, can I just have the sex? You know how we girls like to drop our drawers at a moments notice with complete strangers, preferably in a public place.  

6)    Yes CK you are very correct on that point. I like them pulled but not too fiercely downwards and not to one side (either right or left). That way they retain their shape.

7)    It’s Feb 3rd and I haven’t had sex this year (with another person, that is), which is pretty much fucking amazing 

8)    I’m just sour and crabbed cos I can’t wear all the pretty stuff for those intolerably young women … (pulls tatty old shawl over shoulders and mutters into her gin bottle…) 

9)    I get to use the PC instead of the iPhone today. . . Whoo Hooo!  No more squinting at this tiny screen!  All I’ve done since joining this BB is swap one eyesight-damaging activity for another!

10)    I remember a night I hung around for the ten to three crowd, guess what… she said I was nice and then puked.  I couldn’t pull a pint let alone a woman. 

11)    Does ‘water features ‘ mean pretty little displays of running and falling water like at the Chelsea Flower Show…  Or does it mean you stand there and he wees all over you?

12)    Think of the men you find totally unattractive/unsexy/revolting/whatever … just because they have a hard-on, are they suddenly sexy??? I don’t think so! 

13)    Your envy is pathetic Max !   If you had used every penis enlarging pill available from dodgy emails like wot I’ve been doing you too could have a proud 3 incher! 
         
14)    I know this is totally un-PC, but I do miss sexual harassment in the work place… 
 
15)    Who was it on this thread said curry??? Dear god man are you MAD??? The one and only time I went out for a curry as a preamble to what was supposed to be a rampant evening of athletic mindblowing nookie I spent the whole bloody night having to say "sorry love just hold on a minute" and rushing off to the bathroom. Sexy it was not.

16)    It’s really best if he keeps to the one nowadays, my muscles suffer afterwards.

17)    She shaves?  I love running my tongue over a smooth…. cold shower time!  Damn – how the hell am I going to get to sleep now with this erection….. 

18)    My bell end is pink, again no complaints so far.

1.  Make sure you are ready emotionally, that you can deal with guilt.
2.  Make sure you have realistic time slots in day or evening to actually indulge in your affair
3.  Make sure you have enough spare cash so that wining/dining and tokens of affection dont put a strain on your finances.
4.  Find a friend who can give you the odd alibi
5. Buy a pay as you go simcard and a spare mobile
6. Set up a new email address
7.  Set up date venues well in advance to check they match the mood
8. Research suitable hotels that accept ‘day lets’
9. Make your dental hygenist your best friend
10. Visit our forum regularly for lots of great ideas and information.

Of all the ’so-called’ dating reviews sites that litter the pages of google - one site stands out as a quality reference -topukdatingsites.co.uk   they go to a lot of effort to actually examine dating sites and understand what the potential dater is looking for.  Their latest review on loving links shows they understand how important it is to have an independent database rather than the shared database on many ‘white-label’ sites that pop up on a daily basis. 

The sun is out and the sap is rising - time for an affair I think