Someone very kindly posted this list of men’s secret on our forum and I am posting them here too so that everyone can have a laugh. They are frighteningly true..
Guy’s secrets..
By Jane Hoskyn
When we rounded up a group of men and asked them to spill their innermost thoughts on their exes, their girlfriends’ bodies and what they do with your shoes when you’re out, they laughed and said “not a chance”. So we twisted their arms behind their backs until they could take the pain no more, and eventually they spat out the truth. Here’s what they told us…
1. “I can take a laptop apart and put it back together again, but I have no idea how to put on a condom properly. I’m 35 and can’t remember how many flings I’ve had.”
2. “Every woman I see, I picture naked. Doesn’t matter if she’s my girlfriend or the nan in the supermarket queue. I can’t help but imagine what she looks like with nothing on. Bet most men do exactly the same.”
3. “I know where my girlfriend keeps her diary and I read it regularly.”
4. “The girl I’m seeing goes to loads of trouble with candles, music, wine etc whenever I go round to her house for dinner. It’s quite sweet but it’s totally pointless. Men couldn’t give a toss about romance, we just want you to get a beer from the fridge and get your clothes off. But I’ll let her continue with the seduction stuff, ‘cause she’d be gutted if she knew what I’d just said.”
5. “I never, ever have any idea ‘where the relationship is going,’ and I care even less.”
6. “There is nothing more gross than untrimmed private bits on a girl. I can really fancy her, then find a big unruly bush, and I’ll never want to sleep with her again. Sorry.”
7. “I’m sleeping with her best friend, but I’d rather be sleeping with her sister.”
8. “My girlfriend takes the same size shoes as me, so sometimes when she’s out I put on her high heels and walk around the house in them. It’s really hard at first but you get used to it, and it gives your calf muscles a good workout.”
9. “I wish I could say that women look better with no make-up on. But generally they look really rough.”
10. “I quite often fake orgasms when I’m getting bored and want to go to sleep, or when I just can’t make it happen. I just grab a bit of tissue and pretend.”
11. “If any girl says ‘I love you’ before I’ve said it to her, I have to dump her. Partly because I find it a turn off, and partly because it’s my tradition.”
12. “I never remember anything a woman says to be during a date, because I spend the whole time thinking about what her face looks like during sex.”
13. “If a woman is good in bed, it has absolutely nothing to do with her technique and absolutely everything to do with her enthusiasm. But I’m happy to let the girls carry on thinking that technique matters, because it’s a nice bonus.”
14. “We get far more jealous than girls do.”
15. “I’ve been waiting for a girl to phone me all week and I’ve cried about it twice. No way am I ringing her first.”
16. “I pretend to forget about our anniversary because I get scared that my girlfriend will forget, and I don’t want to be the only one who remembers, because it’s not manly.”
17. “I wax my chest with my sister’s leg-wax strips.”
18. “My girlfriend thinks I go running but actually I go and sit in the park for a smoke, then walk the 200 yards home again.”
19. “Chatting girls up is hideously difficult, and I’m terrified of rejection. So if I’m at a party I always try to spot the weak one and separate her from the pack so I’ve got more chance of success.”
20. “If a woman chats me up I automatically think she’s a bit desperate.”
21. “I love chick flicks and have watched Titanic about 10 times.”
22. “I’m completely straight but I’ve got a slight thing for Matt Damon and was made up when my girlfriend wanted to watch all three Bourne films one evening. Had the best sex ever after that.”
23. “I fancy the news reader Moira Stewart.”
24. “When I suggest splitting the bill on a first date, it’s because I don’t want to have sex with her.”
25. “Men moan about women talking too much, but we all secretly like chatty women because it means less work for us. I had a date recently with a girl who was nice-looking but very quiet, and the evening seemed to last a week. There was so much dead air. Babbly women are the lesser of two evils.”
26. “My girlfriend has lost a bit of weight recently and I know that she’s really happy about it, and her clothes fit better and all that, but to be honest I wish she’d chub up again because she was more cushiony, which made her nicer to have sex with. She was also a bit warmer in bed. Literally warmer, temperature-wise. Now that she’s slim she’s got freezing feet.”
27. “I find women far more attractive in underwear than naked.”
28. “When I’m having sex with my girlfriend I imagine that she’s my ex.”
29. “Whenever I look through my girlfriend’s Facebook photos, I’m basically eyeing up her good-looking friends.”
30. “I wear concealer to bed.”
31.”I make fun of my girlfriend for buying celeb magazines but I read them from cover to cover on the loo. If she didn’t buy them I’d have to find a way to smuggle them into the house.”
32. “I spent the night at a girl’s place and used her pink razor on my hair ‘down there’, because I got a kick out of the idea of that we’d shaved our bits with the same razor. I hope it didn’t blunt the blade.” __________________
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Whether that defence will cut the Runcorn mustard is to be determined.