Over the last few years sex and pharmaceutics have become inexorably intertwined. I see it every day when i do marketing for our site and potential advertising media put ‘drugs’ alongside ‘porn’ in that ‘special’ category of products that have to pay a premium to be promoted. I wonder how we all got by before Viagra and its various spin-offs. Trouble is much of the stuff you buy online (don’t want to ask the family GP) is fake and might actually turn you into a stiff rather than just your appendage. And it is not just blokes buying drugs for sex and seduction, there are women out there stuffing their mouths with Alli and other slimming potions in the blind hope that it might turn them into a slim babe rather than easing up on the alcopops and the chips. Trouble is that drugs like Alli leave you ‘leaking’ like an incontinent wreck which is never a sexy sight.

Truth is, that the pharmeceutics industry can only go so far in helping erections or weight loss. Genuine Viagra certainly helps and has created a new generation of 60+ guys with stonking hard ons and nowhere to play. Their wives thought that all ‘that nonsense’ was over years ago and now they have stud-u-like partners demanding their old age oats. Naturally a lot of these guys pass our way as they look for somewhere to display their new found virility which is an added bonus for LL.

I’m gearing up for a busy Autumn season at LL and the phone has been ringing off the hook this week as people get back from their holidays.

The other day I wrote about the myth of the horny housewife and had several interesting comments and emails on the subject which led me to believe that whilst there are a substantial number of cheating spouses out there (and indeed using Loving Links) a lot of the survey material is unscientific and largely anecdotal.  The problem is that most surveys use ‘self-selecting’ respondents.  That means that if we ask a sample of active LL members whether they cheat or find cheating acceptable then – surpise, surprise -100% will be positive.  On the other hand if your sponsor is the ‘Love and Marriage Examiner’ your answers are going to be decidedly different as Rita Watson is at pains to point out in her fascinating article.  She cites the results of a comprehensive survey that suggests that only 3% of American wives cheat each year – which is still a pretty big number but not like the 50% that the adult industry would have us believe.

No, we adulterers are more special than the media would have us believe.  Not all of your colleagues or tennis partners are having ‘knee-tremblers’ or lost afternoons at the Strand Palace Hotel.  You on the other hand, probably are!  Be happy, and remember that your married lover is not just ‘one in a hundred’ but more likely ‘one in a thousand’ which should make them appear even more valuable and wonderful to you.  Having an affair is something ‘special’ it is not commonplace and available like Dominos Pizza,  we philanderers can smile to ourselves and know that next week or maybe tomorrow you will steal several hours of illicit fornication with a like-minded soul in the certain knowledge that most tales of nookie are but wishful thinking, lies and bullshit – you my friends have the real thing!

I was reading a very interesting article in the Daily Mail today regarding a book by Catherine Hakim on ‘Erotic Capital’. In it she argues that men and women have vastly different libidos and needs when it comes to sex and that women aren’t all up for a ‘quick shag’ from their 20′s to their 70′s. Now this comes as a no-brainer to most thinking adults but apparently the eager consumption of porn has glossed all this over and we actually start to believe that most women would prefer a ‘pearl necklace’ made of freshly spurted semen than one from Aspreys. This is a myth that also serves the seamier side of the interenet adult dating scene where many sites are happy and profitably promoting the idea that women are as constantly ‘up for it’ as men and they have the zillions of fake profiles to prove it! I went thru an email exchange with a guy earlier this month who couldn’t understand why we didn’t have enough new women for him that week. I pointed out that at the height of the summer school holidays a married mother of two might have other priorities than giving a blow job to a random stranger she met online. Of course there are women out there with unquenchable libidos, I have met quite a few over the last 15 years but as Ms Hakim points out in her book, most women give higher priorities to pets than rampant cocks. So where does that leave us? Well, in the book Ms Hakim says there are many celibate relationships so there are many frustrated partners but there will always be a demographic imbalance between the sexes. We leave the porn/adult industry to perpetuate the myth of endlessly horny women and we will carry on with our genuine community of men and women looking for fulfilment – both emotional and sexual.

Very interesting piece in the Mail today. they have spotted a new social/relationship trend – ‘friendship with frisson’ which seem like friendship with only half the benefits of ‘friendship with benefits’. In fact the more I think about it the dafter it seems. This FWF phenomena which the Mail has uncovered seems to be a ‘prick-teasers paradise’ – flirt remorselessly but keep the bedroom door closed. So, you still risk getting caught for having a ‘sackable’ relationship and you don’t even get sex. I’d rather be hung for a sheep as for a lamb. Surely at a moment one or other of the parties involved is going to say ‘well, are you up for it or not?’

Is any partner going to waste time making interesting distinctions between a FWF and a FWB affair? The inquisistion will still be the same, there will just be jaw-dropping disbelief that things never progressed to the bedroom.

I have been reading a couple of recent studies that I think have more than a hint of truth to them.  In essence the researchers are suggesting that men cheat because they suffer from performance anxiety and men derive a large part of their confidence and sense of self from how they feel in the bedroom, which is no surprise because they have been socialized to believe that “real” men always are in the mood, virile and never have sexual issues. Obviously this is a fallacy. The irony is that performance anxiety, like a panic attack, feeds on itself. If he experiences erectile dysfunction or delayed orgasm one or two times at random, it can be difficult to avoid performance anxiety the next time. And the performance anxiety causes distraction and blood vessel constriction that only exacerbates the sexual symptoms. It is a vicious cycle that can seem endless and impossible to stop.

I know that this syndrome is in part correct because it has cropped up in discussions I have had with clients over the years and from feedback women have given me that all seems to confirm this.  Naturally there are many other factors that bring men to married dating websites – some are just ‘plain randy’ and some are stuck in crap marriages and relationships but this theme of performance anxiety (male clients often shyly ask my advice on Viagra) is an interesting topic to think about.

The research shows that women tend to cheat because they are not satisfied/happy in there relationships which is much more obvious a reason.  Women. of course, have less to prove in sexual prowess than men so the performance anxiety aspect wouldnt’t really crop up.  I find these results interesting as i find all aspects of the extramarital lifestyle.

On a lighter note, I have been spending my summer in a very isolated corner of Europe where, spoilt by the warm weather, I have enjoyed a nudist lifestyle so i have been browsing on nudist dating sites and generally exploring the topic – fascinating!  I think it will feel strange being back at Oxford Circus in my working clothes ;_)

I have spent much of this glorious summer away from base and good internet connections have been spasmodic.  Also, with the exception of the Murdoch scandal there has been little to titilate me of late.  Maybe my mobile was hacked, but I have pretty tight security and never leave voicemails for 5 mins so there would be nothing to harvest – pity that, could have joined the queue for sueing Murdoch.  What sprung me back to life today was a piece I read over the weekend in the Mail written by Ingrid Seward the stalwart of royal reporting.   In it she wrote a heartfelt confessional to realising that her dear departed husband had been a star philanderer.  Post mortem she rifled through his mobile, and he did have voicemails! – and then managed to get into his computer where she found other disturbing signs of infidelity.  There were restaurant bills that didnt match his diary and a myriad of minutiae that led Ms Seward to conclude that her husband had had a string of affairs.  He had, she admitted a track record and she realised with some regret that leopards don’t change spots.   From the tone of her excellent article one would imagine that Ms Seward had never had much to do with wayward males but I seem to recall that she later became close to Dai (seducer of the valleys) Llewellyn and he was the guy who wrote the seduction bible!  I was once on a TV show with Dai and he waxed lyrical on the joys of infidelity during our green room chat.

So what would your voicemail/laptop etc say about you should you meet your maker unexpectedly?  Would unknown and hitherto unsuspected mistresses turn up at your wake?  Can we take preventative measures?  I recall in the early internet days there was a spoof web service that offered to come and clear out all the incriminating material before the family got access to your files.  Lovely idea but not very practical.  I know men and women who throw caution to the wind and save lover’s texts as trophies on their mobiles – romantic but dodgy to the extreme. I believe in taking caution – so delete anything that might give the game away however gratifying to read and reread emails that attest to your swordsmanlike skills or whore-like skills.  Believe me, they will bring even greater joy to a divorce lawyer.